Hello friends, it is that time of the month again and so to help my fellow work out fanatics, I have devised the perfect PMS-busting, calorie-torching, guaranteed-to-solve-all-your-problems, beginners yoga-inspired work out sequence for when your lovely uteri decide they hate you.
Pose one: the Dead Fish
Begin the sequence by lying on your back and looking up to the sky. Ask the universe why your body is punishing you for not being pregnant. Hold this pose until the savage beast clawing at your lower abdomen makes it intolerable.
Pose two: Turn Your Back On the World Pose
When you feel like convincing yourself that a shift of position might soothe the hellfire burning in your undercarriage, it is time to transition to the second pose. from Dead Fish roll onto your side so that you are facing the least interesting corner of your room. Brood about how unfair your life is. hold this position until you are aware that it isn’t doing anything for you. (tip: enhance this pose by whimpering pathetically about nothing)
Pose Three: Whiny Child Pose
From Turn Your Back on the World, slowly roll back in the direction you originally transitioned from. If you feel like a small goblin is using your ovaries for punching bags, you might want to take a breather half way through this transition and lie in Dead Fish pose. Continue rolling until you are on your knees and your face is hidden from the cursed light of day.
Pose Four: “F**k you, Womanhood” PoseFrom whiny child rise up onto your knees and channel your non-directional, irrational rage at the source of your pain. Your period is a menace. Let it know just how unfair you think it is that you are craving chocolate, but are in too much pain to make yourself go to the store to buy some. Be as vocal as you want with this pose, you will only be able to hold it briefly.
Pose five: It is Time to Give Up Pose
If you own a snuggie, i recommend the use of it for this pose, but any blanket will do. Once you are through chastising your lady-bits for their outrageous behavior, collapse in a heap knowing that most normal people don’t fucking run marathons on their period. They stay home and watch netflix and cry about nothing. (I mean we can’t ALL be Wonder Woman or survive the apocalypse or whatever)